Someone recently asked me “is it because you don’t have children?” This question came after I had shared with them that we would be headed to serve as missionaries with ZOE International. I told her that was not the reason why. She was trying to make sense of what we were doing.
What is really beautiful is that her question did not elicit sadness in me. A few years ago it would have sent me spiraling into darkness and self pity. Simpson and I love children but after years and years of trying we found that we could not have our own. We did think and pray about adoption but we believed that God in His goodness did not have this in mind for us. So we mourned and grieved the loss, and chose to embrace the beautiful life He gave us.
That is not to say it wasn’t hard. It was one of the hardest things we have had to face. After we realized we would not have our own children and that we would not adopt, I asked God to help me not be sad when I was in the presence of a baby or child (His beautiful gifts).
Within a few months, He answered that prayer. But it took a lot longer to accept and find peace in not being a mother. For years, I could not attend baby showers. After the first Mother’s Day at church which found me and a dear friend weeping (she could not have her own children also), I chose not to go to church on Mother’s Day. It was too hard.
It was hard to watch our friends with their children, even our close friends. Each milestone their dear little ones reached was one more thing I would never know or experience, one more thing we could not share or talk about, one more loss added to what felt like too much already. Yet God was with us and He comforted me. I dreamed and prayed of having a Hannah story and to be given a Samuel. I prayed as much for years.
But somehow amidst all this, God began healing that deep hurt. It happened over time. In the Fall of 2016, I attended my first baby shower in 7 years. I was so happy to bless this dear mom to be. There was not one moment of sadness that day. Only joy. Joy to celebrate this baby to come, joy in being in the company of wonderful women. It was a gift. There are still times when I get sad about not being a mother but it is not very often and it does not last very long. I am thankful for God’s love and faithfulness. I know His love and care.
I now cannot help but think that God knew all along what He was calling us to and that our not having our own children was part of our journey toward ZOE.
So perhaps my initial answer to that question was incomplete. Maybe it is in part because we do not have children of our own that we feel so strongly called to be a part of this ministry to fight for the little ones who cannot fight for themselves and to see them rescued and restored.
We simply want to be obedient to God.
“Beautiful are the ways of God if we allow him to use us as he wants.”
–Mother Theresa
